Tag Archives: Lee Child and Jack Reacher

My return to Boulder Shelter and life outdoors in the neighborhood


By Max R. Weller

I’ve waited since April 3rd, the day I arrived back in Boulder, CO from my long respite with friends at their home in nearby Longmont, to gather enough info to write this piece. Turns out, I needn’t have waited more than a day.


Still FUBAR, with only ten more nights until the emergency overnight dorms are closed. I haven’t heard whether or not the greedy yahoos running this bedbug-infested dump want to have another Summer [Bum] Program, as they did last year for the benefit of the worst-behaved transients who were hanging around the neighborhood all summer, but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit — more inappropriate compassion in action!

I’ve thought about contacting novelist Lee Child, with an idea about his popular Jack Reacher (homeless ex-Army MP) character visiting Boulder to set things right . . . Sample below:

Reacher said nothing. Grabbing the child molester by the collar with one huge hand and by the waistband of his sagging pants with the other, Reacher turned him upside down and shoved him face-first into a shelter toilet that hadn’t been cleaned in at least a month. The perv said nothing, either, but did make some gurgling noises.

“What’s that?” asked the 6’5″, 250 lb. ex-Army MP as he pulled the perv up so he might gasp for breath. “Here, maybe another drink of water will help!” Other homeless men were laughing at the spectacle, except for the registered sex offenders who wisely ran for their lives.

In real life, unfortunately, BSH staff would intervene to protect the rapist, banning the protector of innocent children from the facility (probably forever).

The first few days playing the role of humble beggar on the corner of N. Broadway & U.S. 36 I found myself alone, and did very well; passersby remembered me from the years I’ve been there. Then, during the second week, Drunk Donna (an evicted 1175 Lee Hill Housing First resident) and a new crew of miscreants showed up, and Donna herself is now using the Fake Wheelchair Scam. I declare, swear, and affirm that this silly [rhymes with “witch”] can walk better than the Homeless Philosopher, at least on the rare occasions when she’s sober. Why these guys will push Donna back and forth on the median is a mystery to me; they could likely make as much $$$ by themselves. I continue to hope that one enabler might — accidentally or otherwise — push her wheelchair out in front of a truck.

Look for my weather-beaten sign as I’m standing there: “VOTE SNOOPY”.

Weather was warm and dry the first week back, and I slept very well at my campsite, the cries of coyotes from distant quarters and the hooting of owls close by being restful music to me. A following spell of cold and wet has just ended, so I expect a few more nights of good sleep. I’m located far enough away from the pickled idjits, 1/4 mile or more, that they don’t disturb me:


Morpheus, God of Dreams in Greek mythology

A friend pointed out the latest scam from Isabel McDevitt at Bridge House: Boulder wins $200K to train homeless to repurpose trees infested by ash borer as reported in the Daily Camera. Well, I won’t try to deny this is a stroke of genius! Think of it: Transients flock to Colorado for “legal” marijuana, and now BH will teach them to make their own pipes, which might be sold on Pearl Street Mall and at other venues frequented by the dazed and confused. I’d suggest that those who intend to sleep at either BSH or Boulder Outreach for Homeless Overflow in the future could also be potential customers for Bridge House’s handcrafted wooden clubs to ward off Giant Mutant Bedbugs and other vermin encountered nightly.


  Model demonstrates custom wooden pipe


She deserves every penny, too — LOL!

Here’s a disturbing but true tale I heard involving Boulder’s Municipal Court, a serial petty offender, and Bridge House: One of the guys hanging out with Drunk Donna was ticketed for trespassing at private property over on 30th St. here in Boulder, and when he went before the judge his “punishment” was to visit BH’s so-called resource center to learn about helping himself to all of the Free Stuff being given away . . . All that’s required is for BH staff to sign off on a paper to be returned to the court, regardless of whether the offender chooses to follow through with anything like the Ready to Work program. And this bum has been here for years! For the one trespassing ticket he finally received, he’s no doubt trespassed dozens of times along with other petty offenses of various kinds.

This sort of a slap-on-the-wrist is the do-gooders’ Wet Dream. Far better to spend a measly $5 of taxpayer funds to put each of these offenders on the RTD bus back to Denver, with a sack lunch and a bottle of water to-go.

That’s all for now, folks.