[Crazy] Mike and [Drunk] Max: Homeless alcoholic crybabies in north Boulder


By [Sober] Max R. Weller

About a month ago, Crazy Mike (I’ll dispense with the brackets, because this NUT has earned the negative label Crazy) showed up at Boulder Shelter for the Homeless and in my north Boulder neighborhood around the 4900 block of N. Broadway. Right away, he claimed to know me and started talking about bums who haven’t been around for almost two years, including Drunk Brian who returned to Michigan in December of 2013. He’s still talking about them every day, as if they’re still in the neighborhood and flying a sign on the corner of U.S. 36. He’s been as much of a troublemaker as anyone in Donna’s Drunken Crew, but he keeps trying to ingratiate himself with the three of us who generally behave decently. Crazy Mike seems to want to run everything, and in that respect he does remind us of Drunk Brian.

Honestly, I don’t recall Crazy Mike at all . . .

He’s another pickled idjit who can’t handle his cheap vodka without creating major drama, and is stewed to the gills on a daily basis. His pal Drunk Max (no brackets for him, either, because he’s earned the pejorative modifier) has been hanging out for the past week — and all this guy does is pass out drunk in plain view of business owners and workers, their customers, and residents of the Dakota Ridge neighborhood. Drunk Max has a guitar, and I understand that he used to play and sing on Pearl Street Mall for drinking money, but now he’s unable to do even that. It’s painfully obvious he’s getting rotgut liquor somehow . . .


About $10 for the big 1.75L jug

Crazy Mike has also attracted a guy we call the Louisiana Lunatic, who is chronically intoxicated and has been taken away to detox by the paramedics more than once recently. This one claims to be a “park ranger” and a “federal agent” of some sort, but I’m guessing he dropped out of school in the 9th grade based on the ignorant stuff coming out of his mouth.

But, I digress . . .

Crazy Mike yells profanities and vague threats against women — “I’m going to rape them first, then cut off their heads!” being one example — and he’s said to me, “You’re a tyrant, Max, and tyrants get killed!” He’s a short, skinny dude and ought to be more careful about the potential for pissing off bigger men. Indeed, I know women here in Boulder who could easily smack the bejesus out of him. So far, however, Crazy Mike has avoided any physical consequences for his stupid rants.

What really bugs me is Crazy Mike’s constant complaint, since he was banned from BSH for 30 days, that “I have NOTHING; I have NO FOOD!” As I’ve begun pointing out, the reason for this is that he’s too drunk and too lazy to take advantage of all of the Resources for the homeless in Boulder, CO. Just look at the Free Food available here, a list which doesn’t include the do-gooders feeding the homeless in Central Park and elsewhere. Shouting Joe has allowed Crazy Mike to use his food stamp card once or twice, but I’ve convinced Joe to stop doing so.

BTW, Crazy Mike is able-bodied and could seek work at Labor Ready. Instead, he was mocking me yesterday because I walk with a pronounced limp due to a bad hip, and I need a cane to achieve that degree of mobility.

Of course, I manage to buy all of life’s necessities without receiving government benefits of any kind, nor do I patronize the private nonprofit venues (except for BSH, where I shower in the morning and maintain a small locker). Thanks to the kindhearted citizens in Boulder County, many of whom read this blog, I enjoy a level of independence that most other homeless people can never realize, so long as they’re dependent on the homeless shelter/services industry.

By contrast, Crazy Mike is so pathetic he can’t even travel around to obtain Free Stuff, due solely to his poor choices — NOT to disability. Let’s be brutally frank, almost all of the folks with mental health issues can take an active role in obtaining help; Crazy Mike is truly a worthless bum.

Should you give in to his aggressive panhandling, as Crazy Mike marches up and down the median at N. Broadway & U.S. 36 shouting obscenities? I strongly advise against it.PanhandlingInstead, you should look for a humble beggar who is clean and sober and won’t take your cash and run to the liquor store or the marijuana dispensary.

One more thing: Crazy Mike claims to have served in the military, and done two tours of duty in Afghanistan. The fact that he can’t obtain help from either the Veteran’s Administration or any private group like Veterans Helping Veterans Now puts the lie to that piece of manure.


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